Category Archives: life

Mine Addicted Eyne.

17 Tuesday Jan 2012

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– Sounds like an Elizabethan emo band, doesn’t it? “Mine Addicted Eyne.”

Interventions are good. Last week I was thisclose to bailing on an eye appointment because I realized, too late into my pre-booked destiny, that maybe I shouldn’t have selected that location based solely on the fact that it’s two minutes away from my office door. Seriously, I didn’t even look up Yelp reviews. What kind of overoptioned mobile-tethered Millennial was I? Still, I went to the appointment, and I got a figurative slap in the face for fucking up my eyes for eight or ten years.

Finding No. 1 – My eyes have been addicted to eye drops. If you merely want to clear up redness, stay offa tha anti-histamines! My drug: Naphcon-A. My pusher, the “Recommended by Eye Doctors” seal on the packaging. (I originally took Naphcon-A on the recommendation of my optometrist in high school, who is now retired.) I now have to wean off of the eye drops on a schedule prescribed by my new optometrist. No joke. Otherwise I’ll go into withdrawal and my eyes’ll be ogre-red for multiple days.

Finding No. 2 – Oral acne meds I took in high school decreased up the production of oil in my eyes. ‘Course, when you’re a sixteen-year old late bloomer who’s had it hard enough having no boobs (still the case), you don’t give a fuck about no no-oil-production-in-the-eyes when you’re 28. (I’m 28!)

Finding No. 3 – Acuvue Oasys contacts have the lowest water content on the market (38%, for you number crunchers). All this time I thought the lenses would help the issue I had with dryness that I assumed to be caused by too much air conditioning. Turns out Acuvue just misspelled Oasys because they’re assholes, and my eyes got dry as a result.

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David Guettathesaurus.

11 Wednesday Jan 2012

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People overuse the word “epic.” In frat pack movies, in gaming, in a Web-worked world oversaturated with memes. They sprinkle it on shit like it’s glitter.

Well I am here to tell you that “epic” is not glitter. (And your shit isn’t “epic.”) Everything is not fucking “epic!” That is the whole point of “epic!” “Epic” is a long-ass poem or the end of an era. “Epic” is not a meal, no matter how delicious. A meal would have to take 2,000 pages to chronicle and end in a peace treaty in order to be epic. The Last Supper might be epic, but I’m Agnostic so I am unqualified to comment on it. In moments of dictive weakness I’ve misused “epic,” but considering how long I’ve been writing in a blog, not that often.

I get that the idea of the joke is to use a hyperbolic word to describe something simple, but…it’s just not that funny of a joke. The people who say “The way Jenna fell flat on her face at the bar? Epic!” are the same people who think “I like long walks on the beach” is an original and funny opening to a personal introduction. “Epic” and “long walks on the beach” are about as funny as coconut water. What? Yeah, exactly, shattup.

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So when Coachella announced its lineup for 2012 yesterday, I was not about to have it. Combinations of “epic” and “Coachella” popped up so many times in my home feeds that I just had to say it – online, on Twitter, where passive-aggressive rhetorical statements are wont to be made.

And then in “Coachella 2012: By the numbers,” The Washington Post picked up on:

  1. The positive correlation between “epic” and “Coachella,” and
  2. The fact that I found it all extremely annoying.

Just look at that classy permalink:

And of course, I only learned about the linkback because of a Tweet from a Twitter friend. Thanks, Albert!

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I am excited about this year’s lineup. “Next Episode” is my jam, so I feel quite compelled to go. (I also had a dream once where I was making out with Snoop Dogg – this makes me feel the opposite of “compelled” to go.)

Anyway, you wanna go? I hear it’s going to be legen-wait for it-AMAZERBALLS.

Story of my life in 2011.

05 Thursday Jan 2012

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You know what this means. Let the retrospective commence.

Sources: Twitter. Tumblr. Flickr. Instagram. Myself.

January

We went to Vegas!

Vegas! Kabam! Day I

Post-Love at MGM Grand.

February

Moxsie went to Vegas! (For the last time.)

The final

MAGIC, the Fashion Trade Show Gathering.

March

Catface did not go to Vegas.

IMG_1361

I still really want a pet.

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Thing I didn’t do in 2011: Overblog.

03 Tuesday Jan 2012

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Sorry to say, but while 2011 has been chock full of events, it has not been chock full of writing time. Here to point out the lack of attention devoted to The Maykazine, the WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog. The best part is the search terms. Clearly I write a blog principled on classy subjects.

Thanks for all your support this year and those previous. While I’ve resigned myself to a regular (yet still hopeful) two posts per week, I haven’t resigned myself to crappy topics, so I hope you enjoy whatever I’m able to cobble together in the future. Happy new year!

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 58,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 21 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Stories for Leah.

30 Friday Dec 2011

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In the United States’ “East Coast,” a place fondly referred to as “New England,” there is a blonde-haired fairy princess-sometimes mermaid by the name of Leah. She likes pink, red, and purple – in that order. She dutifully pours everyone 0.25″ of water at dinner, and obediently takes down the most precious ornament on the Christmas tree and holds it in front of your face, cautioning, “This is glass. You can look but you can’t touch.”

I haven’t spent a Christmas holiday with a wee little person in a very long time, and it makes me feel like I’ve missed out in recent years. Leah is one such wee little person, yet already experienced enough to regale “When I was a Little Girl” stories, despite the fact that her age takes less than four fingers to count.

Girl likes her stories, though. On Christmas Eve, she challenged my wits and asked me to tell her stories. I started off telling her about “abventures with Bill,” which she requested and liked earlier in the week, but this time she wanted stories, not abventures.

Here’s what I remember from that eight-story fire drill. I forgot some details here and there, but you can see my valiant efforts to make things moral and pack in as many Disney princesses as possible. Interestingly, there’s a theme of Asian values peppered throughout. In a proud finale, I even featured Leah’s canine companions. Read on:

  1. Cinderella and I rode a boat out to meet with Ariel but we couldn’t find her. So we had to send Flounder to swim to the bottom of the ocean and get her. What did you do? We had lunch. What did you eat? We ate cucumber and egg sandwiches because Ariel won’t eat seafood. Continue reading »

I have just one wish for you.

18 Sunday Dec 2011

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By the time you read this, Bill and I will have landed in Massachusetts for my first-ever winter holiday in a place with actual “winter.” (You can tell by my packing job that I have yet to fully realize what this means.) I leave you with my favorite holiday viral video of 2011, set to one of my top three in holiday songs:

I’m looking forward to cozy small-town Western Mass, dining at Sam’s in Boston, and Sleep No More in New York. Happy, happy holidays. Enjoy the snow on my blog! (For a limited time only!)