– Sounds like an Elizabethan emo band, doesn’t it? “Mine Addicted Eyne.”

Interventions are good. Last week I was thisclose to bailing on an eye appointment because I realized, too late into my pre-booked destiny, that maybe I shouldn’t have selected that location based solely on the fact that it’s two minutes away from my office door. Seriously, I didn’t even look up Yelp reviews. What kind of overoptioned mobile-tethered Millennial was I? Still, I went to the appointment, and I got a figurative slap in the face for fucking up my eyes for eight or ten years.

Finding No. 1 – My eyes have been addicted to eye drops. If you merely want to clear up redness, stay offa tha anti-histamines! My drug: Naphcon-A. My pusher, the “Recommended by Eye Doctors” seal on the packaging. (I originally took Naphcon-A on the recommendation of my optometrist in high school, who is now retired.) I now have to wean off of the eye drops on a schedule prescribed by my new optometrist. No joke. Otherwise I’ll go into withdrawal and my eyes’ll be ogre-red for multiple days.

Finding No. 2 – Oral acne meds I took in high school decreased up the production of oil in my eyes. ‘Course, when you’re a sixteen-year old late bloomer who’s had it hard enough having no boobs (still the case), you don’t give a fuck about no no-oil-production-in-the-eyes when you’re 28. (I’m 28!)

Finding No. 3 – Acuvue Oasys contacts have the lowest water content on the market (38%, for you number crunchers). All this time I thought the lenses would help the issue I had with dryness that I assumed to be caused by too much air conditioning. Turns out Acuvue just misspelled Oasys because they’re assholes, and my eyes got dry as a result.

These as-yet-unearthed realizations have made me question a lot of things in my daily health regimen. Add in a birthday gift of six months o’ Birchbox and the communal “resolutionary” spirit of January, and you have the general direction of my Google and Amazon searches for the last three weeks. Here are the beginnings of my never-before-existed beauty regimen:

Finding No. 3 – Biosilk contains alcohol that also addicts and ultimately dries out your hair. – What? I know! Instead of going down the Biosilk route and getting addicted to another seemingly innocuous thing, I’m trying out Japanese camellia oil. The instructions are all in Japanese, which’ll make me look super cool and with-it when I travel.

Finding No. 4 – It’s okay to shop at Kiehl’s. Three words: Midnight. Recovery. Concentrate. I’m actually quite certain that after three weeks of use, I’m already addicted to the little blue bottle, but I solemnly swear that my skin feels taut and restored without being Botox-taut or redness-after-microdermabrasion-restored. I’m also really digging the Ultra Facial Cream. My skin is the winning combo of super sensitive and dry and oily, and so far this lotion has been light, fast-absorbing, and dependable throughout the day. I think shopping at Kiehl’s (not to mention living ten minutes away from Kiehl’s) is a milestone in reaching Ultimate Bougiedom, but as my skin would have it, Immah be the Ultimate Bougie Queen in a coupla years.

So here I am. Older, wiser, and shelling out more money to look like I am younger and less experienced. Knowledge is power, and I have just been emancipated. Factor in my Asian genes, I just might be able to fool ‘em.