Gay marriage – It’s not my problem.

It’s no secret that I’m a foul-weather friend of political issues. I only pay attention when something dramatic is happening, like Obama being a history maker or Palin being a history maker. This year, not only is our next President up for debate, but there is also the issue of gay marriage. Seemingly spanning this extended period of “My Unemployment,” gay marriage came back into the limelight in May when San Francisco’s Supreme Court struck down the gay marriage ban. (It should go without saying that gay marriage is pretty much always a hot topic in the Bay Area, if not California.) Milk is coming out in November (about San Francisco’s late gay mayor), yesterday was National Coming Out Day, yesterday Connecticut also ruled gay marriage as legal, and Proposition 8 is coming up on California ballots in a matter of weeks. (Or NOW, if you vote absentee like I do!)

I make a common California mistake when I’m in the company of others. Especially those I describe as “my friends.” I assume they’re all super liberal. This is not to say I don’t have conservative friends. It just means my conservative friends are more in the minority than my liberal friends. Also, I’m sure we’re all smart enough to realize that “liberal” never guarantees practicing hippie politics, just as “conservative” does not directly translate into being super elitist. Just, for the intents and purposes of this post, I assume my friends are all cool with “the gays.”

A couple of weeks ago I was in a conversation in a room full of East Coast transplants. In between watching The Office and swirling spaghetti squash around our forks, we were conversing about random things. Gay marriage came up, and someone made a remark about how annoying it is that Brad Pitt and Angelina aren’t getting married just because gays can’t. “I don’t see the benefit,” she said. She kept repeating this statement as if it further validated her truth that there is no benefit for gay marriage in heterosexual couples boycotting the institution. She went on to explain how she has gay friends, and she wants them to be able to marry, and she wants them to be happy, and everything you’d expect from any random fag hag, but she kept coming back to the fact that, again, she couldn’t see “the benefit.”

It was really hard for me, in that situation, to not put on a condescending debater tone and shut her down. I grew up with a Aunt Marianne and Aunt Linda, with aspiring drag queens with vicious bodies, and also with a lot of experience in philosophical discourse and masking “You’re wrong” rebuttals with diplomacy. It was entirely clear to me that the woman didn’t see the benefit in boycotting marriage because there was no benefit for her. I barely know this person and didn’t want to start picking apart her semantics, but on the inside I wanted to bring up what a classic case of “Not in my backyard” she was stating without saying.

It’s just not her problem. It’s not like her gay BFFs getting married would hurt her chances of ever getting married, but still, making an outright act of boycotting marriage certainly didn’t help her chances of ever getting married, either. Never mind what marriage “means,” or the random value system we place on such an event. For her, there was just no benefit in doing such a passive-aggressive thing as holding off on marriage until the Queer community at large had the option to do so. Why bother? It would be extra energy for her to not get married on top of telling her gay friends “Oh yeah, you’re totally equal! I totally want you to be happy!”

I was worried we were bringing down the tone in the room. The sudden turn to serious conversation is not the type of thing you want to have crash a dinner party. I was relieved when someone said, “I don’t think it’s about the benefit; it’s more about making a statement.” She clearly didn’t get it, said something semi-flustered to move on and wave away all the tension that had just impregnated the room, and we switched back to The Office and Spaghetti Squash.

I boiled inside. I was just livid. Blood rushed to my face causing my temperature to rise. I wanted to say, “If you need benefit, then the benefit lies in the act of solidarity,” and give her an icy side eye of death. Seriously, had this girl never been questioned in her existence or her place in life? Seriously.

I once watched an episode of The Real World where Coral, who I believe was the season’s token All-Out Bitch, told the Homophobic Midwest Boy, “It is not for you to understand.” He was whining about how he just didn’t “understand” how guys could be gay and like other dudes. Her response was the gem of the segment: “It is not for you to understand.”

Proposition 8, the right for a non-heterosexual couple to get married, is not about understanding why guys like guys or trannies love trannies or girls kiss girls. It is about rights. And as every poorly and beautifully made PSA will tell you, that’s what we should protect. Not just as gays, not just as fag hags, but we as the community populating a country that celebrates the pursuit of happiness.

The act of boycotting marriage is something different, of course, but it’s in full support of the heart of voting no on Proposition 8. It’s about rights and standing behind your friends, and in a visible way. It’s about educating others every time someone asks “You two are so perfect together. Why aren’t you getting married?” (Not that you should be that quick to get into a lecture every time someone asks you that. There’s a time and place for everything.) It’s about changing the minds of those around you in a gradual ripple. It’s about recognizing the unfairness of archaic doctrines and the need for reinterpretation of those words.

It is not about benefit. It is not about prioritizing someone else’s discriminating experiences below your own wants and needs. It is not about showing off or doing something that will make your friends go “That is SO controversial!”

It is not about benefit.

Thanks to Lotta for inspiring me to get this out.