Disclaimer: No matter how I write this, no matter what I write, no matter what my initial opinion or resulting assessment, this post is going to be too crass and TMI for many people. That said, I encourage you to click elsewhere if the discussion topic of strapless G-strings irks you. Really, though, in my opinion ladies discussing the best in pantyline-hiding underwear can have as tame a conversation as a bunch of guys debating boxers versus briefs over a couple of beers. For everyone else who is curious, but worried, about potentially over-the-top content, y’all ain’t gettin’ no pictures, so calm down! Nothing I write here will be new if you’ve met me before (Unless you’re really unobservant. And if you haven’t met me before, who cares?), nor would I consider anything I’m about to write so “private” that I wouldn’t answer a question about it in conversation. Onward, hos! (Kidding.)

To start, as you know, the strapless G-string arrived:

she sent a sheer nude one
it’s gonna look soooo weirrrrrrd

whoa
its gonna look like your vag disappeared

invisivag

As I promised to Jenny Buettner, SHIBUE Couture designer and founder, I’m going to review this strapless G-string. It’s going to be a legit review, as if theMaykazine is the Gizmodo of new age lingerie or something – Except I’ll probably be cattier than your normal objective reviewer and, like I said: NO PHOTOS. Well, except for this one, but it’s tame and also largely uninteresting.

I got a free nightshirt!

Advance past the jump for the most OMG-should-I-be-reading-this? post in theMaykazine history. Also includes the Three-Word Boyfriend Review.

Update: Read the corrections!

I’d like to point out that I absolutely entered this experiment ready to be swayed, because when I first wrote about Shibue, I knocked it. Buettner was super courteous to me; the fact that she offered me a free sample is gracious in itself. She even answered my sporadic e-mails during her off-hours from the International Lingerie Show in Vegas. I appreciated her reaching out to me and was ready to find out what I’d been missing, if anything. I had numerous reasons for my predicted distaste. Like a hypothesis in a research paper, here I present a couple of reasons why I thought I would not like Shibue’s strapless G-strings:

Naming.
This seems like a moot point, but I just don’t find the brand name of the line, Shibue Couture, very appealing. One visit to the Website quickly communicates the sexy, luxurious feeling of the desired brand association. There is absolutely no reason for Buettner to change the name of her line, especially with its sentimental value – “It is the first three letters of both my maiden name and married name together.” – but hearing the explanation does not shake the closeness in sound of “shibue” to “shih tzu” or something. I immediately visualize a prissy handbag dog. I can’t help it. It’s also pronounced “shee-boo,” which sounds like something I would coo to my dogs. “Shee-boo-boo!”

I find “normal” (strapped) G-strings uncomfortable.
If you find yourself wondering what the difference between a thong and a G-string is, G-strings are the skivvies that people often refer to as “dental floss.” They are strings. G-strings incite this strange imagery in my mind of being sliced in two in a very unfortunate way (They call ‘em “dental floss,” for goodness’ sake!), so I don’t like wearing them. Also, I have relatively muscular legs. I just think G-strings look really unflattering on me.

I prefer thongs.
I hate pantylines. They make me self-conscious. Unfortunately, I have the thighs and ass of a former sprinter so I basically can’t wear briefs (and still be cute/comfortable). I avoid them as much as I can. The more introspection I add to this point, the more I toe the line between Informative and Creepy. Next.

Trial and error.
Now we’re onto the testing section of the research review. Yeah, I actually wore the strapless G-string for the period of approximately 24 hours. The plan was to wear them in normal day’s activity and then advance into the physical activity test with a dance class. Things seemed to be going well in the beginning. As usual, at a certain point I became unconscious of my clothes in a normal way – After a period of time we no longer “feel” our clothes” – And things seemed comfortable enough. Things were going so well I thought I could test the Shibue in dance. Unfortunately, I soon met the major issue of the day:

How do you go to the potty?
At this point, I thought, “Hey! Shibue G-strings may actually be easier to “do your business” in (Again with the dog references!) than normal underwear. Theoretically, you just peel the back strip and swing it to the front and go, right?

Not really. After I had completed the mission of my restroom trip, I had trouble reattaching the strip back to my backside. The adhesive didn’t seem tacky, even though it’s advertised as reusable. At least it seemed hypoallergenic, just like the box says (Not breaking out in hives should absolutely be acknowledged and celebrated.), but goodness, how embarrassing would it be if someone wore the G-string under a mini? How do you live down some random incomplete panty swinging in between your legs? I know, I know, you’re sickened by the mental imagery, but the potential mishap could easily be mistaken for a dangling something string.

I got a little worried. I didn’t bring extra adhesive strips with me and was thoroughly regretting not packing an extra pair of underwear in my bag in case something went wrong with the Shibue Experiment. Call me crazy, but I’m not the type of person who brings back-up buttons, zippers, or specially coordinated patches for my outfits when I walk out the door. I don’t do high-maintenance clothing like that.

It’s not like it was kindergarten and I could have gone home to change my underwear. I rubbed the back strip back in place and quickly fastened my pants, hoping nothing would drop and cause for really awkward pantylines. By the end of my work day, it seemed that things had worked themselves out. I’m guessing my own body heat reactivated the adhesive, which was held in place by my pants. But, like, isn’t that the argument for underwear with straps?

I got home from my errands but I wasn’t going to risk wearing the G-string in dance class. Still determined to wear the Shibue for a whole day, I did some normal stuff around the apartment. Eventually I had to go to the bathroom again, and at this point I was frustrated with the adhesives – something that should have made life easier – and just reapplied a new set. Checking in on the reusability instructions, I learned that you’re supposed to not use lotions down there when you wear the Shibue (makes sense) and to clean, you gotta wash the strips with a mild lingerie soap and lay them out to dry. According to the directions, when dry, the strips are ready to be used again.

Maybe I’m just an unknowingly savage woman, but I do not own lingerie soap. I sometimes throw dry clean only things in the washer and they come out fine. I wash my bed linens along with my towels along with my clothes and I dry everything together. I was not about to run over to Bed Bath and Beyond to get lingerie soap for high maintenance panties. By the end of the day, I could not stand behind an apparel basic that demanded more upkeep than my car.

Conclusion
As far as single occasion use goes, I think Shibue strips would be fine. They make perfect sense for runway models (who are totally incapable of showing panty lines anyway). Would they rid the world of whale tail? Cha! Wedding gowns? Sure, though most women don’t wear skintight skirts for their ceremonies. A li’l something-something for pole dancers? I think your clients would be distracted by the oddity covering your nether region. For women with active lifestyles? I don’t trust it. Heaven forbid you should, like, sweat or something! For all-day wear that usually entails going to the bathroom a couple at least a couple of times? No.

Though I do bow to the Shibue string’s elimination of pantylines for single occasion use, I have to say that’s quite wasteful. These days we shouldn’t be thinking of one-time use things, period. Not single-use cameras, not single-use batteries, not daily contacts. (If you recycle those things, well, then, good for you. I’m betting most consumers do not.) We ought to be investing in things that “refresh” after washing or recharging, not things that require special materials just to last through the day. Especially not for underwear. I just ain’t goin’ down that route. (I just pulled a Happy Feet on you and made an environmental argument out of a light and happy lingerie review!)

Now, maybe I did something totally wrong or my skin is not conducive to the adhesive or I just fail at using strapless G-strings, but whatever the case, the point is Shibue’s strapless G-strings are not for me. It should be said that I’ve never gotten a manicure, and something about the culture of Shibue Couture suggests that women who buy these things in boutiques have French mani-pedis. I’m not that kind of girl. But I’m sure other ladies are.

Three-Word Boyfriend Review

“That is bizarre.”

Thumbs-down.

I would discuss the sample population’s reaction more, but this has probably been awkward enough.

Best of luck to Buettner as she grows her innovation and launches her TABUE swimwear collection. I love the nightshirt, as modal is my best friend in fabric. Until next time, shee-boo-boo!