On Sunday, my mom asked me to accompany her to a fitting for an upcoming fundraiser fashion show. By the end of the session I had become their replacement model – for the martial artists portion, not the professional model portion. They didn’t have to twist my arm much. I’m a bit of a diva and I haven’t performed in a long time. Plus, there was no prerequisite for being pretty, 6’0″, skinny, or secure about being juxtaposed alongside prettier women who are 6’0″ and skinny. My greatest fear was that the “professional models” would be super tall, lanky, and younger than me, but they’re not. Those models are busy at Bryant Park. These models actually fall somewhere within my own social circle. I was silly to have worried. Anyway, variety is the spice of life, and here are some notes on my latest random escapade.

CUE RU PAUL, “SUPERMODEL.”

Upon which I am asked to model.
I was late to the fitting. When I got there, my mom was already doing taichi passes across the floor, her face plastered by the light of an ill-positioned projector screen. Shortly after, two practitioners of the Da Yuan school (It has something to do with birds. I don’t know if it’s dance or martial arts. I couldn’t actually tell. Not necessarily a promising sign.) practiced their movements, Monique Zhang’s assistants running around taking photos of them from all angles.

Then it was my turn. The original taichi instructor slated to model for sure wasn’t going to make it to the show, and my mom talked me up enough that Monique had been convinced of my “skills.” I think one of my mom’s secret thrills in life is doing super girly things with me, which explains why, after our fitting, we went spent a good amount of time trying on shoes and buying matching sweaters. I ain’t complaining.

I didn’t come here to cause a raucous.
Monique had the six of us ladies continue stationary versions of our movements in our respective positions. The fashion show, benefitting the 11th World Qigong Congress, is all about energy energy energy. (In fact, it’s named Energy & Fashion Theatre.) “Sounds are a form of energy,” Monique explained. The other women nodded enthusiastically. As Monique walked up and down the aisle we created, the brilliant idea donned upon her of having us make the sounds we use when we practice our martial arts.

One lady sang Chinese opera. I hate Chinese opera. The token White woman of the modeling group made some omm sounds. My mom did this really loud yell – It’s actually kind of embarrassingly loud, like she’s being attacked. I have a feeling it will have quite a few people choking on their wine at the dinner gala. The two Da Yuan birds made up some “bird” sounds: fshhhhing sounds as if wind was blowing through their wings. I wasn’t buying any of it. Monique turned to me, “You, you have any sounds you can make?”

No. I was doing a dance, and I was not about to sing the melody of the typical Asik music. (I am going to do this dance for the rest of my life!) “Mine doesn’t have any sounds.” Monique went around the room asking them all to make their sounds and she came back to me again, “Any sounds you can think of?”

“There are no sounds to make for this.” Nothing like being the youngest participant in a group by at least one generation gap and refusing to participate in hokey ideas.

Chico’s Gone Wild! The China Collection.
In my Puma Evisu jeans and Puma Alexander McQueen sandals, I walked into the Cicada showroom. The dozens of pieces screamed nothing close to my age or my style, but how often do I model things? Never. Monique styled me first, picking something out with geisha kimono-like arms to accentuate my movements. I’m not tall enough for the outfit, even though I’m the tallest of the martial arts models. I don’t think anything in my closet is as detailed as what I wore that day, and I have some pretty embellished stuff. To be fair, Monique’s Cicada collection is designed for big-time gala events, and not situations like, say, being 24 and not having a steady job. Maybe it’s not so much her clothes aren’t my style as it is I don’t fit their class.

I know these notes are scattered, but I didn’t want to give too many details of a “show” currently “in production.” To see what actually happens when you challenge Mayka to a walk-off, you’ll just have to stay tuned for Fashion & Energy Theatre. September 20th. Golden Gate Holiday Inn. $50 for dinner and show, $20 for show. Be there.