When I wrote the clubbing column (Yes, I’m going to milk that stint for-e-ver.) I didn’t realize how many strong opinions I had toward clubbing nightlife. Oh sure, I knew I had strong opinions, but what started up as set of notes turned into an entire face of a tabloid page with Dos and Don’ts. At the time my editor didn’t assign me specific amounts of column inches and I didn’t know where my stuff would end up, so the basic approach was to get it all down and later find out what would make it to printing. Though I was generally happy with what I saw in ink the day of publishing, there were always other finer points I wish I had touched upon earlier. And this one time the entire set-up for an interesting character I met one night just plain ol’ disappeared… But I digress.

Now, empowered with WordPress, WiFi, and my illuminated keyboard, I’m going to get it all down. The way it was all meant to be. Bigger, longer, and uncut.

I’m a very picky dancer and clubber, so these “Rules to Clubbing” aren’t for everyone. To lay a couple things down:

1. I don’t go to clubs to make friends.
2. I don’t go to clubs to get ass.
3. I don’t go to clubs to get crunk.

So really, I’m not that girl you see in the bar dancing on tables because I have no self respect. I’m probably dancing, usually not on a table, because I like the music. I’m not there to build a superficial network (That’s what MySpace is for!) or find my next hook-up. (For the record, I don’t do the hook-up thing and pretty much never have.) I’m also not a big spender or a big drinker, so alcohol is nowhere near the top of my list. I’m just there to move something. I’m often that cheapass at the bar ordering a cup (not a bottle – Bottles cost money.) of water unless someone else in my crew offers me a free drink.

Snobby? Classy? Yeah, sure, maybe.

So, partnering. How does one choose a dance partner in a club when the main prerogative of most clubgoers is to freak, and not so much to dance? (I address partnering before dancing because, as I mentioned before, most people go for the potential partnerships, not for the dancing.)

Whoa whoa whoa, what’s “freaking?“
“Freaking,” sometimes known as “grinding,” is a type of partner dancing that happens nearly exclusively in nightclubs. It’s actual dirty dancing, whereas movies of the same title were more so all about empowered sexy dancing or freedom of artistic expression.

Freaking involves a lot of physical contact. (Forgive me for the blunt graphic nature of the following descriptions, but) Freaking in a heterosexual club typically involves two positions:

1. Guy and girl facing each other, interlocking at the legs.
2. Guy behind girl, “spooning” upright.

I’m not going to go into how to freak because then I’d feel like I’m bordering on some sort of bad voyeuristic smut, but I will say this much: Freaking can be hot. Did I mention there was lots of contact? That means your nerves are physically stimulated, and if you have alcohol flowing through your system, it’s not like the contact’s even necessary in order to pique your senses.

Since there’s so much stimulation between one body and another, guys often get aroused. (You like how I didn’t beat around the bush about guys getting erections on the dancefloor? Yeah, me too.) It’s the goal for some, the pride of many, and the awkward minuscule elephant in the room for most…

All that said, let’s get back to:

The Rules to Clubbing
Partnering.

1. Don’t freak your friends. In case it wasn’t clear before, I’m just not comfortable with making myself look like a promiscuous girl. (And no, I don’t like that song.) I’m big on self respect, self reflection, and having control over people’s perceptions of me (or at least being aware of such). That means I’m not cool with giving my social circles reasons to whisper with raised eyebrows and be all like “Oh my God, girl, didjoo see her dancin’ all up on Mortimer? Did they leave together? Oh he-ey!” No, no chance. I don’t dance with my guy friends. Aside from opening the gates for potential gossip, dancing that closely to guy friends is also just awkward. Immah lay it straight. I don’t want to feel my guy friend’s penis right behind my ass. I find it uncomfortable. Drunk or otherwise, I step away. I don’t even like the poking feature on Facebook. Freaking with a guy friend would be weir-rd!
2. One song per partner. If you’ve gone clubbing before, you’ve seen those couples: The ones that just don’t seem to detach from each other, causing you to think, “Hey, something’s a little off and dirty with these two.” Get a room! Part of not dancing with each other too obscenely much is respect for others in the club, and part of it is just saving you from the mistake of replacing healthy human communication with hormone-driven body language. If you two really connect that much, you really just gotta do yourselves a favor and take it to a bar, a patio, a place where it’s not just freaky freaky. If you’ve been attached at the *waist* for more than eight minutes, I’d seriously begin to wonder “Is this getting creepy?”
3. The partner has to be instantly kissable. This one’s for attraction. I just can’t see myself being seen that close with someone I’m not immediately attracted to. It’s not as simple as me thinking my friends will approve of him or nightlife photographers will find his face flyer-worthy. It’s actually whatever combination defines your “hot.” I like guys who dance well and can hold their own in a cypher, who dress well and carry themselves with confidence, and though it takes more than just a picture for me to decide if I find a guy cute, I do need to like his smile. If someone approaches me and just doesn’t do anything for me, I don’t give in. I became hardened over the years and I’m fine with that. I have no interest in being or feeling used at the end of the night by a person I’m not interested in.

Editor’s Note: This entry started out as me wanting to throw down my Rules on dancing, but it clearly went in a different direction. Do not confuse this post with “What I look for in a long-term relationship partner.”

Also, I will trade dancing for other creative talents.

Update: Some people tell me to cool down, that “A dance is just a dance.” But when one of the most popularly posted away messages for college hos around the nation is “Dancing is the vertical expression of our horizontal desires,” I have to beg to differ. A dance is not just a dance. I don’t freak my friends or people I would be embarrassed to be in bed with because, to put it bluntly, I would essentially be assisting in someone else’s masturbation, and I feel no obligation or need to do so.