Last week an unforeseen telegram threatened my access to Bravo. Fortunately, it was a false alarm and the perpetrator has since disappeared. In the spirit of moving on, add these onto the ongoing list of Tools of the Unemployment Trade.

1. Planned Parenthood – More than just an abortion clinic!
   Before you start jumping to conclusions that the sole purposes of Planned Parenthood are for abortions and the treatement of STDs, I am not, nor have I ever been pregnant, and I am not, nor have I ever contracted any sexually transmitted diseases. Planned Parenthood, a perfectly respectable and absolutely necessary public institution, is also a reliable purveyor of fine, affordable dermatological goods.Ever since I was in high school, I have had acne. A pimply Mayka is an unhappy Mayka. (I have enough to be self-conscious about with my eyebrows and my thighs. [Thighbrows? Hmm, no.]) So my dermatologist decided to hit me up with some “BC.” (And that don’t mean “Before Christ!”) Et voila! 28 days out of every month, I am suitable for the general public.

   There’s just one complication, though. Prescription drugs cost money. Unemployment takes all your money. COBRA could get you prescription drugs, but only after they take your money, too. What’s a young unemployed person to do? WHO WILL SAVE MY SKIN? Let it be Planned Parenthood, for if you know what you’re doing, PP will hook you up with a year’s worth of BC. At the understanding, sympathetic cost of zero dollars. And thus you are saved. I no longer have a pizza pie face and can actually put that money toward pizza.

   They also offer you lots of condoms and samples for lube. And emergency contraceptives. (TMI? I don’t think so. Somewhere out there, some girl [or boy!] in dire straits is thanking me for highlighting a worthwhile resource. Abstinence education only results in stupid people breeding, people.)

2. Toilet paper rolls on the low – You wish you thought of this first.
   Cleaning staffs often leave toilet paper rolls with dwindling supply in the bathroom stalls, atop perfectly bountiful rolls. Do you ever wonder what happens to those loser rolls? The destined runts of the litter? People must avoid them, since they are there, not finished, not in the trash can, all the while being overlooked as hands in need reach for the fuller rolls instead. Ignored. Subjected to humiliation simply because of their condition – which we totally forced upon them and that is just unfair.I decided to save these skinny rolls the trouble of trying to grab the water closeteds’ attention by stuffing them in my purse. If no one is going to use the TP, I will. And if no one’s going to throw the cardboard spindles into the trash, I’m going to recycle them.

   If I am paying to use the premises in one way or another, some cents of my fare ought to be going to the upkeep in bathroom supply. Thus, I will take what is being treated as waste. It’s like the old academic debate: Is it plagiarism if you reuse a paper you wrote from a different class? Of course not! That shit was about to be forgotten anyway.
   

3. Consignment clothing stores – Please, take my Diet Goal pants away. Please.
   I can dress myself. As such, I have a closet full of clothes. I possess only one such “self,” however, and as my self no longer increases in height or dramatically in weight, I accumulate more and more apparel each year. It becomes impossible to wear all that I own, which is just a pity being that everything I have is kept in good condition. Perfectly wearable, just not used. Much like that low toilet paper roll situation minus the “wearable” piece.Instead of letting things gather dust and take up space, it’s simply more beneficial to release the clothing back into the wild, where people with even more strained budgets can pick over your goods. It recycles when some reuses your reductions, closing the loop. (It’s 2:33 a.m., can you tell?)

   One shouldn’t expect to receive top dollar for reselling one’s clothes, but knowing that you can control your own materialism once in a while is a good thing. Whatever is not bought by the used clothing store can be donated, and those donations can take dollahs off of your taxes at the end of the year. The sheer act of filtering through your possessions is an eye-opener on its own, and hey, now I have enough cash for 3/4ths of a tank of gas.
   

4. Auto insurance payments – NOT.
   I am not going to call AIS.

5. Cup Noodles – I am not subtitling this.
   I love you.